Troubled Waters

They pushed off from shore and started to slowly paddle out onto the lake. The water was crystal blue, the air was warm and the sun sparkled off the water like light bursting through a diamond. This was the perfect day and there was nothing that could ruin this moment. They stopped in the middle of the lake to slowly drift up and down with the waves and to have a bite to eat from the picnic basket that they had brought along with them. What they did not see was that off in the distance there were dark storm clouds that were racing towards them like a pack of wolves chasing down their prey. They lay back in the boat in each other’s arms, eyes closed not knowing about the storm that they were about to encounter. The boat began to rock, the wind was whipping across the water causing the waves to rise and fall, the sun disappeared behind the clouds hiding it’s face like a child that is scared from what was about to happen. The lightening struck and lit up the dark sky like a flashlight in a dark room, the thunder echoed like a thousand marching drums, the water started to tip the boat like a giant hand from the depths below and they fell into the waters that were so crystal blue and warm just a few hours ago, but now were black as night and icy cold…

It was 1993 and we had closed the store in downtown Napanee and were meeting with some folks in New York City about starting to do an import business. The company was looking at getting into the Canadian market and I was keen on providing the possibility. There were many trips back and forth with Vicki, who was now pregnant with our oldest daughter MacKenzie, to New York City. Everything seemed to be going so well with the deal however at the very last minute it fell through. I could not understand why at the time but I am so glad today that the door closed.

In August 1991 my grandfather, Carl Martin, passed away and it had triggered something inside of me that only Vicki was beginning to see. It was small at first and not very noticeable but my mood started to change. At first it was mild, however as the years moved on it began to become much like a rollercoaster ride. In what mood was she going to find me in? Was I going to be up and happy, working hard like a mad scientist on a project or down, depressed and not wanting to get out of bed? Vicki started to read a book and one of the characters in the book reminded her of me. I can remember lying in bed one night, although I don’t know which state I was in emotionally, but she said “Andrew I think you might be like this guy in the book”. As she read from the pages of the book I felt like I was looking straight into the mirror. The next day we met with our doctor who referred us on to a specialist. After just a couple visits with the specialist and a few different tests he told me I was suffering with a disease called Bipolar Manic Depression. I started on medication immediately that changed the way that I was. I gained 60 lbs in a couple of months as it slowed down my metabolism and I was pretty much zoned out most days just sitting on the couch playing play station hockey.

I hated to be on the medication and worked hard to find the things that triggered my ups and downs. I found that too much sleep as well as too little sleep affected me; reading or watching the news was a major factor as well as the foods that I did or didn’t eat. As we slowly started changing my lifestyle, with the watchful eye of my physician, I was weaned off the medication. This process happened over the course of three to four years, but I was supposed to be on medication my whole life.


I started drumming again and finding myself again through music. We traveled the road as a family unit (another major thing I needed for stability) with Vicki helping out in the different bands with merchandising. It was with the last group I was with that I knew that I was to step out from behind the drum set and into the spotlight. This was not something that I jumped at doing. I was a drummer and a background vocalist. I was not the front man, the guy that the light chased across the stage and that moved the audience from laughter to crying, that was someone else. With my fears subsiding and the support of my family and friends, I stepped out into the music world. Now where do I start? I went back to Mom & Dad’s house and opened the lid on the stereo and put on the old records. Here I was, 4 and 5 years old again, listening to the gospel harmony that I had heard from a baby. I made my first CD in 2000 with former RCA recording artist Ken Harnden. It was a blend of country and inspirational music. The union between Ken Harnden and me paid off as that year we won Album of the Year and Song of the Year for a song that I wrote with the GMA's in Canada. The next year we released a Hymns album, just me and a grand piano, singing the hymns that people had grown up on in the church. That year I won Inspirational Album of the Year and Male Vocalist of the Year. I was back in the studio late 2001 recording 2 new CD’s - one of which was a Christmas CD which would bring me more wins in Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Artist of the Year and International Artist of the Year along with a top 20 charting song from the Christmas CD and regular rotation on radio across the country and around the world.

It was at the completion of making the CD’s that I was sitting out on my deck in the spring air when all of a sudden another storm hit me out of the blue. I just started to weep, as I knew what was happening. I was slipping into depression and it was deeper than ever before and coming like an avalanche over me. For 4 days I did not eat or sleep that much, I sat around crying and not knowing why this had happened. This had all started on a Friday and it was now Monday and I had to go to Belleville to get some print stuff done. As I was pulling out of our driveway our two little girls came running out onto the deck asking if they could go with daddy. Vicki put them in their seats and I started off for Belleville. I turned off the phone and just starred out the front window with a blank look on my face. The voices that were screaming at me in my head told me I was a terrible father, a horrible husband and that my career was a joke. It was at that moment that I decided to commit suicide. I looked into the rear view mirror and saw the faces of my two little girls and tears started streaming down my face. I knew that I had to get them home first and then go off by myself to die.

Vicki was home when the thought of what I was going through came over her. She picked up the phone to call me and heard, “The Rogers customer you are trying to reach is unavailable.” What was she going to do? How was she going to reach me? That’s when she did the only thing she knew she could do and that was to say a prayer. At the moment she finished her prayer, I was sitting at the stoplight at the corner of Moria and Pinnacle St. in Belleville, Ontario. The light turned from red to green and it was like someone had flipped a switch inside of me. Imagine you are driving through a dense fog and then like you drove through a curtain you could see for miles around you. That’s what it was like for me at that moment. I experienced something that I can only describe as a supernatural occurrence, a 100% real miracle and I have not suffered with Bipolar Manic Depression since. That day I knew what my calling was and what I was supposed to do and that is to share my story where it needs to be shared. I am not ashamed of what I have gone through emotionally as it has made me who I am today. My music shares of hope and love and that we can help one another if we choose to “Show Love”.

 
Now here I stand at the edge of the diving board ready to jump into the water and start over again refreshed and renewed. Now do I dive or do I do a cannon ball…